


to build a home

by melones (huntressed)



Category: EXO (Band), SHINee, f(x)
Genre: F/M, Non-Idol AU, Taemin and Seulgi are the only idols in here, ish, single mother!Krystal
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-08
Updated: 2020-04-11
Packaged: 2020-04-12 16:36:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 17,007
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19135948
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/huntressed/pseuds/melones
Summary: In which, Soojung's past will always find a way to catch up no matter how hard she tries to hide it.





	1. bad feelings

**Author's Note:**

> this kind of came to me out of nowhere. it's like an itch that i've been meaning to scratch for a long time. so here you go. i wouldn't give anything away, but if you read between the lines you'd know more than what i'm letting on anyway. 
> 
> twitter: @astrosoulls, come follow me here and tell me what you think.

**SOOJUNG FORGETS WHAT ITS LIKE WITHOUT EUNHEE.** Forgets how she could easily just be one of those millennials who party a lot while equally stressing about paychecks, and what they really want from life. She supposes that if things had been different, she would most probably be a part of that crowd of people.

That’s not the case now though. For Soojung, her life is less youthful chaos and more grown-up hardcore adulting chaos. She has to wake up at six every single day, cook breakfast for Eunhee, drive her to school and then go to work in her sister’s company (a job she still holds a grudge over). Her reality is far away from the lives of most of her friends from university, and all of that is due to just one single factor. 

She could have gone about her life begrudgingly, but frankly, Eunhee’s existence has made Soojung less indecisive and more forward about what she wants to do. Her spontaneity still exists, albeit used for more calculative circumstances, and less for fun - which is not something she’d hoped for when she was younger. She’s also become more responsible, the best side effect at having a child during her late teenage years. 

The only thing she holds a grudge about, is how Sooyeon basically blackmailed her into working for Blanc and Eclare. Sooyeon would pay off the rest of Soojung’s college tuition fee  _ and  _ babysit Eunhee during Soojung’s classes, in exchange for Soojung becoming a creative assistant the moment she graduates. It’s not something Soojung envisions for herself, but she couldn’t quit the job, not while she’s already busy building the foundations for Eunhee’s school years. 

Soojung has just dropped her daughter off to school and she’s on her way to the company when Taemin calls. 

“What is it again?” She doesn’t even bother with a proper greeting. Her friendship with Taemin has surpassed everything, including proper phone greetings. 

“Soojung-ie, do you love me?” The sickeningly sweet voice at the other end of the line causes Soojung to groan in disbelief. She knows where this is heading already. 

“What do you need?” This time, Soojung is a bit more merciless with her words. It’s not the best morning and she would appreciate it if he just cut to the chase. 

“Pick me up? I’m in the bingsu shop I always take Eunhee to. Fans found me.” She doesn’t miss the desperation in his voice when he told her that fans found him. What he did for that to happen, though, is completely beyond her. 

“Jesus Christ, Taemin. You have to be really thankful I’m such a good friend and that I’ll do this for you right before I go to work.” She says as she speeds through the neighborhood to Taemin’s rescue. 

Soojung could count on one hand the amount of constants she had in her life, and Taemin is one of them. They’d met as classmates in middle school, and his knack for annoying her ensured that their friendship would last for years. In fact, it’s Soojung who found out first about Taemin’s debut with Shinee, he called her on the phone screaming and Soojung had been ecstatic. 

It’s also through Taemin that she met Jongin, a wound she would prefer not to open up today out of all days. 

She finds Taemin in the bingsu shop trapped with about twenty teenage girls blocking the exit. Sighing, she calls Taemin once more. 

“I’m outside. Can’t you find a different exit?” She’s definitely less annoyed now than she was before. Now, she just feels sorry for Taemin who probably only wanted his bingsu until his fans swarmed him. It’s the price to pay for being one of the biggest kpop idols. 

“Open the door to the passenger seat, I’m going to make a run for it.” 

“Lee Taemin I will kill you if you die from being mobbed by your teenage fans.” 

“Have some faith in me, Soojung.” Then he hangs up and before Soojung knows it, there’s a Lee Taemin making a beeline straight towards her car. The moment Taemin shuts the door, she floors it. 

“I’m going to make you pay for all the gas I’ve spent trying to pick you up from wherever shit you go to.” Soojung tells him. 

“I’ll pay you back by babysitting Eunhee. She loves me anyway.” 

She only gives Taemin a hum in response. Their years of friendship already assures her that he will, in fact, be sincere in every way. No matter what she asks of him, so as long as its reasonable, he’ll do it within a heartbeat. 

Sooyeon asked her once if she plans on dating Taemin, especially after that one incident where Eunhee called Taemin  _ ‘appa’ _ .  _ After all,  _ she remembers Sooyeon pointing out,  _ I don’t know who else could take better care of you two than me aside from Taemin himself.  _ Admittedly, Soojung had already given it a thought once or twice, but she doesn’t want to risk their years of friendship on something so fragile. Plus, dating one of the biggest kpop icons of their generation would only draw unwanted attention towards her and Eunhee. 

“You never told me where I’ll drop you off.” Soojung points out the moment she realizes that she’s only a few turns away from where Sooyeon’s company is. 

“I’ll be coming with you. Sooyeon asked me for a favor.” Taemin shrugs. Soojung comes to the conclusion that he probably asked her to pick him up on purpose, that he would have done it anyway without the fans. 

“By the way,” He adds, “Have you considered the dance class Eunhee wanted to go to?” 

The dance class, of course, how could she have forgotten. Eunhee had been asking for it ever since she saw a clip of Shinee’s latest comeback. The little girl had been endlessly telling her mother that she wants to be like uncle Taemin. Taemin never allowed her to live it down ever since. 

“I have, yeah. I just haven’t found the right place to take her.” A side-effect of overworking and being a full-time single mother is always not knowing things outside of her usual orbit. It’s always her work, Eunhee, and the occasional hangouts with Taemin and whoever he decides to introduce her to. 

“God, Soojung, is that how much you’re neglecting your own personal life now?” His lips curve up into a teasing smile. 

She reaches out to her side to give Taemin a flick on the forehead, “Looking for a dance class for Eunhee is not personal life. But also, if I was neglecting my personal life I wouldn’t have talked to you the moment Eunhee was born.” 

“I’m the only exception to that. Other than me? Your only friend is Eunhee’s teacher who basically had to force her way into forming a friendship with you.” For a moment right there, Taemin looks like an emoji the kids these days use. 

“Say one more word and I’m dropping you off to the curb for your hungry fans to mob.”

“Alright, fine.” He holds his hands up in surrender, “I’ll quiet down. There’s this good dance studio though, Seulgi told me about it. Want me to check it out with Eunhee?” 

“You’d do it?” She raises an eyebrow at him, “For why?” 

“Come on, Jungie, you’re acting like I didn’t help you raise the kid. I  _ love  _ Eunhee, and I feel sad that you’re out here trying to juggle a busy life by yourself. At least let me help while the hyungs are still in the military and I’m basically jobless for the time being.” 

For the first time today, Soojung finally laughs. “Oh Taemin, I doubt you could ever be jobless.”

 

\

 

**HER DAY AT THE OFFICE ENDS LIKE THIS:** Taemin approaching her cubicle after that day-long meeting with Sooyeon (a perfect example of why Taemin could never be jobless), grabbing her car keys and telling her that he’ll pick up Eunhee from school and go to the dance studio Seulgi had suggested. She would have said no, in fact, she is so close to saying no before Sooyeon approaches her and tells her to take the rest of the day off for herself. 

“Leave the kid to Taemin. Just for today.” Sooyeon prods her. 

She gives Taemin a hesitant look to which Taemin only responds by holding up his baseball cap and face mask. A sigh escapes her lips and Taemin cheers in triumph. She’d already debriefed the guy anyway, if anyone asks who Eunhee is, she’s Taemin’s niece (his cousin’s daughter). 

However, the only thing worrying Soojung the most is Eunhee’s actual resemblance to Taemin. He’s not Eunhee’s father by any means, but the resemblance between Taemin and Eunhee’s father is too uncanny for anyone to miss. If anyone looks at Eunhee hard enough, it can be deduced that her face is more of her father’s than Soojung’s. 

Any misinterpretation of the aforementioned facts could easily mean a new scandal for Taemin, and a manhunt for whoever she is. Soojung doesn’t want that kind of publicity. She didn’t stay hidden in Sooyeon’s shadows while Sooyeon is out there facing all kinds of publicity by being the CEO of Blanc and Eclare only for her and Eunhee to be exposed to the limelight because of an interpretation gone wrong. 

“Can I come with you to pick Eunhee up, at least? I’ll spend the rest of the day with Jinri.” She requests, knowing full well that Taemin wouldn’t have it in him to say no to her. 

The walk towards the car is silent, but more comfortable than any other silence Soojung finds herself in. It’s not the overwhelming kind that forces her to say something out of the deafening silence. It’s kind, and welcoming. The very characteristics one would expect from a Lee Taemin. 

“Taemin,” She begins just as soon as Taemin had started the car. “You know how much you look like him, right?” 

Taemin nods. 

“And how much Eunhee looks like him?” 

“Which means Eunhee’s going to look like me, at least for just a little bit if anyone paid close enough attention. We’ve talked about this millions of times before.” Despite those words, it doesn’t seem like Taemin’s tired of this same conversation again and again. Soojung chalks it up to him understanding her situation. 

“I’m just scared. I don’t want them to think Eunhee’s your kid. I can’t put you and my daughter under the spotlight like that.” As responsible as Soojung is, she’s not ready to face the music if ever that scenario actually comes true. 

Taemin places a hand on her shoulder, “There’s nothing I could not handle for Eunhee,  _ and  _ you.” 

“You’re going to make me cry, shut the fuck up.” She laughs it off instead, and she feels all warm again. 

The moment Jinri accompanies Eunhee to the front gate of the elementary school, Taemin already sweeps in and spins Eunhee around in a hug while asking the little girl if she’d missed Uncle Taemin. 

“Well, looks like you have me for the entire day today.” Soojung shrugs, her eyes still fixed on her daughter and her best friend. 

“You’re giving Eunhee… to him?” Jinri asks with the look of disbelief on her face. 

Soojung only blinks. 

“You’re literally forgetting here that you left Eunhee with Taemin once in the apartment and you went back to a mess of baking ingredients in the kitchen.” The expression on Jinri’s face reminds Soojung that she is one of those strict but fun teachers in that elementary school, as per Eunhee’s narrations during dinner. 

Soojung only laughs though, leaving Eunhee alone at home with Taemin is different from letting Taemin sign the kid up for dance classes. She tells Jinri exactly that. 

“Maybe it’s just me, but i don’t trust Taemin with Eunhee.” 

“I feel like that’s just you being bitter over the fact that he’s Eunhee’s favorite instead of you.” She gives her friend a sympathetic smile. 

“Alright, yeah, maybe that’s the reason.” There’s a pout on Jinri’s face which Soojung laughs at. For someone who looks a bit mature for her age, Jinri sure does act like a kid sometimes. 

Soojung approaches her daughter and wraps the little girl in a tight hug, “Mommy will be back, yeah? Have fun with Taemin.” She presses a kiss on her daughter’s forehead before approaching her best friend. 

“I trust you. I swear to god if you do something completely stupid I will kill you.” 

“Alright, alright, I wouldn’t do anything stupid because I know just how distraught you’d be if I died.” Taemin winks at her and ruffles her hair before escorting Eunhee to the car, and leaving her with Jinri in front of the elementary school. 

“Soojung, I love you, but I have such a bad feeling about this.” Jinri shakes her head. 

“With what? Taemin or the dance classes?”

“Both. More so the dance classes than him, though.” 

Soojung could only bite her lip and look at her car’s retreating figure while hoping for the best. It’s Taemin, what could go wrong, right? He’d never let her down before. 


	2. catching up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The guilt builds up inside her gut, and she wants it to go away, to strip itself away from her body and let her live this down on her own. This is the most selfish, and selfless that she can get.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cat's out of the bag. i swear, though, i'm not trying to rush the development. this is really how i have things planned. 
> 
> twitter: @astrosoulls.

**SAYING THAT EUNHEE IS EXCITED IS A COMPLETE UNDERSTATEMENT.** The seven-year-old had been buzzing with excitement the moment Soojung drops her off in the dance studio on a Saturday morning. The studio is filled with dancers of all ages, some of them probably being the same age as Soojung. For a moment, she wonders what if she went on to train with Taemin in the same company, but she brushes the fleeting thought off her mind. Right now, her only priority is Eunhee. 

The room Eunhee’s assigned to is already filled with other kids by the time she drops Eunhee off by the front door, a woman inside the studio who goes by the name of Victoria tells her that the kids’ lesson should be starting in a few minutes, all they’d have to do is to wait for the other teacher. 

“Eunhee, I’m going to leave you here now, alright?” She kneels in front of her daughter, fixing the little girl’s hair, and shirt. 

“But Mommy, what if I don’t make enough friends?” Eunhee asks, and it’s making Soojung’s heart hurt by seeing her daughter this anxious. 

“Eunhee, you’ll do great. I promise you. If any of these kids don’t like you, just tell me, okay?” She smiles at Eunhee, hoping to alleviate the little girl’s worries. 

“If they don’t, can we call Uncle Taemin and make him beat them up?” 

Soojung almost chokes on her saliva. 

“D-did Taemin tell you to do that?” 

Eunhee nods. 

All Soojung could do is give an exasperated sigh before explaining things to Eunhee. “Eunhee, your Uncle Taemin is a grown man, he’s not allowed to beat up these kids,  _ and  _ beating people up is  _ bad _ . They usually send people to the police station for doing so.” 

“But it’s Uncle Taemin, the police would only want his autograph and send him off.” Eunhee responds with a grin on her face. Soojung could only wish for Eunhee to stay this young and innocent forever. 

“Baby, that’s not how things work, okay? Usually we solve things by talking it out, and if we can’t talk it out, we just gently remove ourselves from the situation. Do you understand?” She delivers in a stern tone, but not intimidating nor completely lacking in sympathy. Anyone who knows Soojung definitely knows that she the farthest person from becoming soft, but all of that goes down the drain for Eunhee. 

“So if they don’t like me, I talk to them, and if nothing happens I just leave?” Confusion is laced all over her daughter’s features and Soojung tries to remember herself in a similar situation, and what else could she have done differently from her mom’s to make things more effective. 

“Or ignore them and pretend they don’t exist.” Soojung shrugs. It’s not the best advice to a seven-year-old, but sue her, she’s still young and figuring things out too. 

“Alright, mommy. Now can you leave? I think they’re already staring at me because I’m talking to you for too long.” Eunhee pouts, and Soojung gives her daughter one last kiss on the forehead before exiting the building. 

She’d have greeted the other instructor if she has the time, but frankly she has some errands to do for Sooyeon today, and she has to reprimand Taemin for teaching her daughter about beating people up. 

 

\

 

**VIVIDLY, SOOJUNG REMEMBERS THE TIME** when she first found out that she’s pregnant with Eunhee. Soojung had only been eighteen for a month then, only had a month’s taste of legality, just a few months away from becoming a college student. At the time, Sooyeon had been praising her sister for doing so well in school and for causing very little trouble to their parents and Sooyeon who’d only started working on a small-time fashion brand. Taemin is already taking over the rest of Korea by being a member of Shinee (and arguably one of the most popular members among the ladies), and her boyfriend, well he had been a trainee in SM at the time. 

She finds out in a cubicle in her sister’s apartment when Sooyeon went out to gather some groceries. She remembers rushing to the nearest pharmacy to purchase four more pregnancy tests just to make sure that she’s not being joked by the single stick she had taken. 

The pregnancy tests though, all of them come back as positive. There had been four sticks too many and she knows she’s already taken enough time in the bathroom to guarantee herself that Sooyeon would be back anytime soon. She has no time to cry, not when she’s supposed to hide all those packets and sticks. 

She’d only wiped a single tear from her cheek as she places all of the trash into a separate garbage bag, and throws everything except for a single stick into a random garbage bin outside Sooyeon’s building. The single stick of pregnancy test is stashed away in the smallest pocket of her backpack, awaiting for her to only take it out to have her boyfriend see it. 

There are no tears on that day. Just thoughts about what she should do, and what would her life turn out to be if she chooses to get rid of the baby, or if she decides to keep the baby. She’s out of it the entire day she even misses it when Sooyeon asks her if she’s okay, and when Taemin calls to tell her he’s going to visit her and Sooyeon. 

None of them know what’s wrong, and none of the actually noticed. Taemin had been too tired to observe Soojung fully, and Sooyeon’s face has been in front of her laptop the entire time. For both of them, there would be no time at all to notice what’s wrong with her unless they take the time to. Soojung is honestly so grateful for that. 

She tells her boyfriend, Jongin, to come sit with her on a curb outside her house. He lives a couple of streets away and it only takes him twenty minutes at most to reach the front of her house. Her hands are trembling, and she doesn’t really know how to initiate a conversation that could easily break the both of them. 

Jongin looks undeniably beautiful under the orange flickering streetlight. It takes her a few seconds to realize how she’s never seen him look this serene and well… happy. The way his lips curve into a small smile, and the way his eyes would light up as he looks at the stars, they all make Soojung weak and completely breathless. 

“You’re smiling,” She tells him, looking at his face with curiosity and nervousness. 

“It’s just… one of the directors told me I could debut with the next group if I work just as hard as I am working today.” He looks so happy that Soojung hides her shaking hands in the pockets of her sweatshirt, and smiles back at him. 

“I’m happy for you, Jongin. I really am.” She takes a deep breath and pretends that nothing is wrong. She couldn’t find it in herself to tell Jongin, not when he’s about to live his dream. 

“Thank you, Soojung.” The smile on his face breaks her rib cage. Him laying his head on her shoulder breaks her heart. 

They sit there in complete silence for a few minutes. Her thoughts are running in her head, completely clueless and panicking about what she’s going to do next. If Soojung tells him, she knows right away that he would drop everything just to help her support the child if she decides to keep the baby. She couldn’t do that to him - couldn’t ruin his dreams just because of a mistake. She knows it’s stupid to not make him responsible for a child they both made, but she doesn’t want to hold him back too. 

Soojung decides right then and there, that she doesn’t want him to know. Whatever her decision is, he doesn’t have to know. 

She only realizes she’s already crying when Jongin wipes a tear from her cheek. 

“Soojung-ie, what’s wrong?” He asks, his face dropping into a frown.

The guilt builds up inside her gut, and she wants it to go away, to strip itself away from her body and let her live this down on her own. This is the most selfish, and selfless that she can get. 

“Nothing, Jongin. I’m just so tired.” She lies through her teeth so effortlessly that it scares her how things could change her in an instant. 

“I’m here for you, okay? I’m never going to leave your side.” He kisses her forehead, and she feels so sorry that she’s already lying to him about everything from this point on. 

Many people call Soojung an ice queen for her tough exterior and her straightforward comments that would always sound bitchy and insulting despite it not being the intention. Many people assume she is a straight-up bitch who does not care for other people’s feelings. A stereotypical mean girl, if you wish. But right here, in Jongin’s arms, is the only time she has ever felt like a bad person. 

“I love you, Jongin.” She tells him right before they kiss under the warm glow of the streetlight. 

It’s the last she time ever kisses him, and the last time she ever talks to him.

 

\

 

**TAEMIN FINDS HER IN THE MIDDLE OF HER WORK.** Soojung had been busy typing a few things to add to the creative catalogue that should be out next month when her best friend makes quite the noisy entrance into her office. On any other day, she would have greeted him with an equally annoying remark, but today is just not her day. 

Every single day that Soojung is reminded of her previous decisions, she feels the need to overwork herself just to make herself feel better that she didn’t ask Jongin for help with Eunhee. A justification of her selfishness, and selflessness all at the same time. 

“What’s wrong?” Taemin asks. 

She couldn’t help but to compare. Where Jongin had been mischievous and always afire, Taemin had been soft and gentle. While Jongin can be gentle, it only happens in the most intimate of places and with the most intimate of reasons. Taemin’s case is quite the opposite, he’s always gentle, no matter who he’s faced with or who he’s talking to. 

Jongin is loud, his laugh echoes and booms across the room with mirth. It’s like he’s the sun and everyone around him are smaller stars, onlooking his brightness from where they’re standing. He is the object where the forces of attraction are concentrated upon. Whenever she looks at Jongin, she feels compelled to look even more. 

Taemin, on the other hand, is quiet. It’s like the more he tries to make himself seem less than everyone, the more everyone sees him. He stands out from people in a muted down, and quiet sort of way. He doesn’t even have to laugh loudly for him to be noticed, just the warmth radiating from his laugh and smile is enough to gather people’s attention. When Soojung looks at Taemin, it’s quite hard to look away. 

After the break up with Jongin, Soojung has become accustomed to seeing Jongin’s face in Taemin’s, and she’s accepted it for what it is. Besides, Taemin’s personality is the proof that he is never really a reminder of Jongin. Initially, before she came to terms with the result of her actions, she finds it hard to look at Taemin because of his resemblance to Jongin. A few months had passed, and it takes a few call-outs from Taemin before she finally got her head out of her ass and made conscious efforts of moving on. 

“Nothing. It’s just a busy day, that’s all.” Soojung sighs while keeping her eyes on the excel spreadsheet presented to her by the monitor.

“Lies.” Taemin kicks her chair and Soojung glares at him in return. This is a prime example of why she will never see Jongin in him. 

“So, are you going to tell me or am I going to keep on kicking your chair?” He challenges, and if Soojung is in the mood, she would have allowed him to like the unbothered bitch she is. 

But today, she is not unbothered. Not at all. 

“You never told me what happened to the group Jongin is about to debut in.” She finally speaks up. 

The silence that consumes the atmosphere is something she completely anticipated. Soojung has never opened up about Jongin unless she’s completely wasted (she and Taemin could count on one hand the amount of times she’s gone completely wasted), or breaking down because of events seven years ago (this can also be counted on one hand). 

One look at Taemin’s face and Soojung knows that he’s concerned. 

“Jongin injured his leg five years ago just before he’s about to debut, he couldn’t… well he had to be on therapy for a year before he could dance again, and even then it would be quite hard for him to dance to complicated choreographies until his knee is fully head.” His voice is so low that it’s barely even audible. 

There is a lack of expression on Soojung’s face for a minute at most. After all, what can one do with that kind of news? Jongin, he’s always been so passionate and in love with dancing. She swears back when they had been together that if there’s anything he loves more than her and his mother, it would be dancing.

Knowing that an injury cost him his dreams breaks Soojung’s heart almost as much as it did when she decided that she’s keeping the baby without telling him anything. 

If she meets Jongin now, she wouldn’t know what to say. His dreams are the reason she hid Eunhee from him. Should unwanted circumstances arise and Jongin finds out about Eunhee (which she knows, is far from happening), she knows he would feel the guilt. Guilt for not finding out, guilt for not achieving his dreams. 

“That’s… tragic.” She says, for lack of better words. 

“It is. He’s actually about to debut as his group’s main dancer until everything went downhill.” Taemin adds. Soojung could see the way Taemin’s chest loosens up, like he’s finally said something he’s been holding in for so long. 

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Her gaze is fixed on her best friend, demanding for an answer even though she knows full well that he probably did it for her sake. 

“Because I didn’t know how you’d react. Eunhee was only two years old then and you were struggling with college. There have been times where you’re crying over him, too. I didn’t know what to do.” He sighs. 

Looking at Taemin now, she feels a fraction of the cluelessness and the helplessness he’d felt during that time. Soojung decides to let it go. She couldn’t get mad at him, not when it’s not his fault anyway, and she knows that knowing how Jongin injured himself would have only made her feel worse. Having knowledge of that would mean that she’d be less productive for her and Eunhee seeing as it was a point where Soojung is breaking down and regretting everything. 

“Yeah, okay.” She drops the subject, and waves off the look of concern Taemin gives her. They spend the next few minutes just sitting there in the office, with Soojung trying to keep the spreadsheets in check, and Taemin looking at his phone. 

When she sees that it’s already four minutes past noon, she stands up immediately and doesn’t even bother to shut the computer off. She just switches off the AVR and drags Taemin by the arm to her car. 

“Okay care to tell me why you’re doing this?” Taemin asks, following her to the elevator while trying to remove her death grip on his arm. 

“I’m four fucking minutes late for picking up Eunhee. God, I hope she’s not the last kid there. I’ll kill myself if she is.” She panics as she presses down the elevator button to the ground floor. 

“Soojung, you do realize that you’ve always been late at picking up Eunhee. The kid is already used to it by now.” He laughs, stopping only when Soojung fixes her death glare on him. 

By the time they get into the car, Soojung backs away from the parking spot expertly and speeds off, only slowing down when she’s finally reached the highway in fear of getting pulled up. Taemin’s hand is gripping the handlebar of the passenger seat, and Soojung laughs upon seeing the sight. 

“It’s not even that fast.” She laughs even harder as she slows down. 

“Fuck you,” He tugs on her hair and Soojung swats his hand away. 

“We’ll get into an accident with you pulling my hair more than my devil driving.” She would have glared at him, but she can’t exactly keep her eyes off the road can’t she no matter how good of a driver she is. 

“Just... drive like a normal person. I’m sure her dance instructor would have stayed with her anyway.” Taemin sighs before tugging on her hair once more, though this one is lighter than the previous one. 

Soojung only nods and it takes them approximately five minutes at a rate of sixty kilometres per hour when they reach the dance studio. Soojung is about to tell Taemin to wait in the car but he’s already put on his cap and his mask before she could even speak. Instead of saying anything, she allows it when he gets off the car before her to pick up Eunhee. 

They navigate the dance studio like they’ve been there so many times, like they’ve lived and breathed in the space. Soojung always takes the middle of the hall, no matter where she is, or who the people around her are. Every time she is faced with a hallway, the first thing that comes into her mind is to take up the middle, like she is a queen making her way to conquer the world. 

It’s always been like this, Soojung at the lead, and Taemin following closely behind. Not directly behind her, but just a few inches behind her and a few inches beside her. It’s not on purpose, it’s just the way it had always been. A seamless flow of their interactions that didn’t start and end anywhere. It just is. 

Much to Soojung’s dismay, Eunhee’s the only kid left in the dance classroom. In front of Eunhee is a tall guy, probably another dance instructor left to make sure the last kid gets picked up by their parent. Soojung feels glad though that Eunhee seems to be getting along well with her dance instructor, judging by the way her child is laughing out loud every few seconds. 

A few seconds pass and Eunhee seems to still be clueless that her mother had already arrived to pick her up, Soojung clears her throat and Eunhee’s eyes light up. Instantly, Soojung smiles as her daughter stands up immediately to run up to her. 

“I’m sorry I’m late.” Soojung kisses the top of Eunhee’s head. 

“You’re always late, mommy.” Eunhee giggles and Soojung already feels the amount of stress getting off her chest the moment her daughter smiles. 

“Thank you for watching her while I was gone. I lost track of time at work and-” 

“Soojung?” The voice. God, she will never forget that voice. There’s one too many instances where he breathed her name out in salvation that it’s become too hard for her to forget the way her name falls off his lips. It doesn’t help that he still says it the same way. 

Right there, in front of her, is Kim Jongin. The very boy she had once sworn that she will love no matter what happens. The boy she took a giant risk for just because she wanted him to reach his dreams. 

Soojung’s hands shake knowing that Eunhee just had an actual interaction with her father for the first time in seven years. What makes her even more anxious is that Eunhee doesn’t know. 

“You know him, mommy?” Eunhee asks, curious eyes peeking up and looking at both her and Jongin alternately. 

“He’s an old friend, sweetie.” Soojung smiles at her daughter, lying right through her teeth once more. 

She looks at Taemin and tosses him the car keys. Taemin nods, knowing full well what Soojung means by that. “Eunhee let’s go. I’ll buy you bingsu again. Your mommy just has to use the washroom and ask your teacher if you’re doing good.” 

“But I  _ am  _ doing good. He told me!” 

Soojung notices the way Taemin takes off his mask and smiles at Jongin before motioning that he has to get Eunhee back to the car. The look on Jongin’s face suggests that he’s still clueless, while being equally shocked that both of his best friends from before are in his dance studio.

The room is filled with awkward tension the moment Taemin and Eunhee disappears. Soojung remembers that it was never like this between the two of them. Jongin hates the silence, while Soojung hates the ugly kind of it. To compensate for that, Jongin would always ask her about something. 

Her eyes catch his hands playing with the side of his sweatpants.  _ So maybe he still hates the silence _ , she concludes. 

“So,” He begins, “You and Taemin, huh? When did you get married?” 

She couldn’t do this, but she feels as though it’s a long overdue conversation that she’s been painfully waiting for the moment she’d left Jongin. Instead of giving him a proper answer, Soojung only raises her left hand to show that there’s no wedding ring. 

“People can take off wedding rings, Soojung.” He laughs, but it doesn’t sound like the way it did before. It lacks life. Doesn’t have the youthful mirth and the booming presence indicating his happiness and amusement. It’s like he’s forced and only doing this just to avoid the silence. 

“We’re  _ not  _ married.” She adds the emphasis to word that negates his assumption. 

“Eunhee looks like him, though.” Jongin tells her the observation she hopes no one would ever dare notice. 

“If you look hard enough she doesn’t look like Taemin.” She breathes out. This is Jung Soojung’s downfall. The collapse of a poorly built up wall that she never bothered to strengthen over the years that passed. Seven years might have been a long time, but it’s not long enough to ensure that she will not let Jongin in anymore. 

“What do you mean?” His forehead creases as he looks at her. 

“I’m sorry. I promised Sooyeon I’d have Eunhee come over to her place today. Bye, Jongin.” And then she does what she had always done best; she runs away. 

Taemin and Eunhee are waiting for her in the car in complete silence. She doesn’t want to speak for she knows that if she does, it will be hard to keep her tears at bay. So the three of them, though usually engulfed in some kind of loud and animated conversation, spends the rest of the car ride back to the apartment in silence. 

“Did you know?” She asks Taemin just after she shuts the door to Eunhee’s room.

“I really didn’t. I’m sorry, Soojung.” He sighs. 


	3. reckless comparison

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It’s selfish, Soojung realizes. But she’s in too deep and she can’t just let everything landslide down on both her and Eunhee, as well as Jongin. If anything, she’ll have to take this all really slowly.

**SOOYEON IS USUALLY A GREAT SISTER.** She knows when to push Soojung, and when to leave things alone especially when Soojung gets infuriated. But there are some times where Sooyeon just doesn’t know how to shut up, and it annoys Soojung to no end that someone so mature like her older sister would be this… childlike when it comes to Soojung’s personal life. 

      A timer is going off in her head, awaiting the moment where she’ll finally be too pissed at Sooyeon for not shutting up about her own business earlier. 

      She loves that Sooyeon has the best intentions, but she hates the way Sooyeon delivers it like Soojung has no other choice than to talk to Jongin right away after meeting her. Delaying this talk had always been Soojung’s plan and she’s not about to throw away her years of effort just because she’d met Jongin like that. 

      Her next move is that she’ll convince Eunhee to move to another dance class, hoping that Eunhee would say yes and that she’ll completely forget about Jongin afterwards. 

      “Soojung I’m not trying to be a bitch here, I’m just saying, you’ve already met Jongin why do you keep on delaying things when they’re obviously already catching up to you? You’re only going to cause more problems than you can solve them. Plus, Taemin’s eventually going to get caught in the middle. He didn’t keep in touch with Jongin for you, do you know that?” Sooyeon’s tone implies that somehow, all of this is Soojung’s fault. 

      “Why does it seem like it’s my fault?” Her frustration comes out in a form of half-yelled words towards her sister. Sooyeon’s office door is wide open, making Soojung’s voice the loudest thing in the entire office. Every employee had stopped what they’re doing just to take a peek at their CEO’s office. 

      “Yah! Get back to work!” Sooyeon moves to close the door, her eyes seething. “And are you kidding me? It  _ is  _ your fault. I don’t know what stunt you were trying to pull when you got pregnant with Eunhee, but that’s not being selfless at all. Imagine being a father and you don’t even know about it.” 

      She could have been slapped by Sooyeon and she would have taken that better than this one. 

      “I did it for  _ him,  _ unnie.” She says through gritted teeth, “What am I gonna do? Just sit and watch Jongin deprive himself of his dreams because we were reckless? Or what? Allow him to become an idol and get caught up in these multiple PR stunts with different women while I raise Eunhee at home and he’s doing all sorts of things like that? It would never have worked either way!” 

      “Taemin helped you raise Eunhee and it seems to have worked just  _ fine. _ ” The glare on her sister’s face makes Soojung’s hands shake from behind her back. 

      “That was his choice.” She breathes out, knowing that this is a losing battle anyway, and that Sooyeon - no matter how hard Soojung would have loved to prolong the argument - is always right. 

      “Yeah, and you didn’t even make Jongin have one. If I were Eunhee I would have loved to meet my own father instead of making delusions in my head that Taemin should have been my father instead. You’re not just hurting Jongin here, you’re hurting your own daughter too. Now get out of my office before you do or say something stupid that’s going to hurt my niece.” 

      Soojung leaves the office feeling like she’d just lost a court case. Talking to Jongin would open up a lot of closed wounds, wounds that had been sealed with just a band-aid instead of something proper for the situation. This is all truly her fault, but if she just lives her life in complete isolation from other people, then she wouldn’t have had to think about this. 

      No one would be hurt if everything goes according to plan. She’s raising Eunhee properly without Jongin’s knowledge, he’ll be out there dancing for the rest of his life, and Taemin would still be there for her and Eunhee without any further contact with Jongin. 

      It all sounds twistedly good in her head, and she feels bad for even considering ignorance - in the form of not talking to Jongin and just leaving him there with all his assumptions. 

      It’s selfish, Soojung realizes. But she’s in too deep and she can’t just let everything landslide down on both her and Eunhee, as well as Jongin. If anything, she’ll have to take this all really slowly. 

      Her phone beeps from her blazer pocket and Sooyeon tells her to take the rest of the day off through text, mostly because Sooyeon feels annoyed that she’d have to see her idiot little sister’s face in the office. Soojung would have taken offence if she didn’t know that this is just Sooyeon’s way of telling her to think things out properly. 

      There’s still an hour left before Soojung would pick up Eunhee from school - and still an hour left before she actually can go home from work (the perks of being Sooyeon’s little sister is that Soojung can do most of her work at home with Sooyeon’s permission after Eunhee’s school hours). This is the part where Soojung would sit absentmindedly in her car, unsure of what to do. 

      Talking to Jongin is definitely a huge “no” on her list for the day. She’s not ready to face the music yet - though she doesn’t think she will ever be, but she’ll have to be at least half-ready at some point - and there is still the least bit of hope in her chest that he would exit their lives soon enough. 

      Too much hope is dangerous, though, according to one of those young-adult books she’d read while she’s younger. Besides, she knows Jongin well enough to know that he would like to stay in touch and repair the bridge Soojung desperately tried to burn seven years ago. 

      All of that makes her want to call Taemin and tell him to bring Eunhee to dance classes today. It’s all just too much for her to handle. 

      However, the more Soojung thinks about it, the more she realizes how against she should be with unloading her duties on Taemin. His help is very much appreciated by her and Eunhee, but now she feels as though she’s taking advantage of him. She also didn’t want Taemin to feel the awkwardness that would come during Eunhee’s dance practices. 

      She’s not trying to be brave, but she does feel a little courageous that she’s actually about to face a fear by dropping Eunhee off to the practice room. 

      She reaches the school in time to see all of Eunhee’s classmates going out of the elementary school gates. Soojung heaves a sigh before going to pick up her daughter, knowing full well that Eunhee would be ecstatic about going to the lessons and seeing Jongin whom she ultimately adores. 

      Guilt takes over her as she realizes that she’s making Eunhee’s life harder without the little girl knowing. In this instance, Soojung immediately brands herself as the worst mother to ever walk the face of the Earth, even if she once considered herself to be the best mother. 

      “Are you ready to go to dance class today, sweetie?” She asks the beaming seven-year-old who just got out of her class.

      “Yes mommy! I’m excited.” Eunhee flashes her mother a smile with a set of teeth that’s lacking in a few areas (her teeth started to turn into permanent ones a few weeks ago, and Eunhee likes collecting her teeth), and it warms up Soojung’s heart. 

      “Do you like your dance class?” Soojung asks as they drive away from the school. She drives carefully, obeying the speed limits in every neighborhood and making sure that she doesn’t step on the gas or the brakes too abruptly. 

      Her little girl nods earnestly from the passenger seat. “I do! I do! Teacher Jongin told me the last time that I’d make a good dancer! He’s my favorite teacher, eomma. The other teacher, Teacher Victoria, she’s a little strict and scary. Whenever I have questions, Teacher Jongin would answer them always with a smile while Teacher Victoria doesn’t even smile at all.” 

      Soojung laughs at her daughter’s narrative, “Maybe Teacher Victoria is just not the kind of person who smiles a lot.” 

      “I’ve seen her smile once though, when she was talking to one of the other teachers in the company. People look prettier when they smile, especially her. You should smile more too, eomma.” 

      She doesn’t recall ever telling Eunhee about how other people look prettier when they smile, she reckons that it’s probably Taemin. After all, the guy couldn’t live without a smile on his face every single second. She wouldn’t be surprised if he rubs off on Eunhee the same way too. 

      “Don’t I smile enough already?” She asks while taking a careful turn to the highway. 

      “You don’t smile when I’m not around.” 

      Suddenly, Soojung feels like she wants to go home, but continues driving anyway.

 

\

 

**THE BUILDING IS BUSY,** though she doesn’t really know why she expected otherwise. The halls are filled with dancers running to wherever, dressed in the most dancer-y outfits she could imagine. Soojung thinks of a time where she could have been one of them, where she could have been someone like Taemin and Jongin during their trainee days, but she stashes the thought away into the darkest corners of her mind before she could entertain it. 

      She navigates the halls of the building while holding Eunhee’s hand. Soojung could never be too careful, one could lose a child in such a busy place. 

      They find only half of Eunhee’s classmates in the room, all sitting on the floor and scattered in different directions. A few kids are talking amongst each other, while some prefer to sit by themselves and patiently wait for the teacher. 

      The plan for the day is to drop Eunhee off and talk to Victoria, and leave before Jongin could even find her. Much to her dismay though, Jongin walks in before she could even say one word to Eunhee. 

      It’s as if Eunhee had forgotten Soojung’s existence when Jongin walks into the room. The little girl is beaming and is already running to the teacher she oh-so-adored, while the rest of the kids stayed in their places. 

      “Teacher Jongin!” Eunhee exclaims and immediately walks up to her father, of course, that’s a fact Eunhee doesn’t know yet. “What are we learning today?” 

      “Just a few basic steps to teach you the basic techniques.” Jongin smiles, ruffling the hair of the little girl. 

      Soojung’s heart breaks as she sees the two interacting that way. 

      “Is your mom here?” She sees Jongin kneel down to Eunhee’s level, and her daughter gingerly points over to her mother who’s carefully watching their conversation. Then, Eunhee leans in to whisper something into Jongin’s ear, and Soojung feels like her insides are crawling with curiosity about that secret conversation. 

      The laugh on Jongin’s face and him winking at Eunhee makes Soojung want to know more about what they talked about. 

      She assumes it’s obvious on her face that she desperately wants to know what her daughter whispered to Jongin because when he approaches her, the first thing he tells her is: “She asked me if I find you pretty,” he chuckles, “and I said yes. How could I not?” 

      Soojung doesn’t know how to react, so she just stares at him like an idiot. 

      “Taemin’s not with you today?” Jongin’s eyes wander around the room, and out to the hallway. 

      “He’s not obliged to.” Her answer vaguely implies that Taemin has no obligations for her in a romantic way, and frankly, she doesn’t know why she’s telling Jongin this. 

      “Oh, I thought your boyfriend would be with you.” He scratches the back of his head, looking the way he did while he was in high school while he’s doing so. 

      “He’s not my boyfriend, Jongin, just my best friend.” She smiles at him and it weirdly feels odd but natural at the same time. Soojung remembers quite the same conversation that happened during their high school years. 

      “You’ve changed, but you also didn’t,” Jongin breathes out. She doesn’t know if it’s a sigh of relief, or confusion. 

      “It’s what growing up does to a person, I guess. It’s the same for you too.” Soojung smiles at him before taking this leap of faith, “We should meet though. Are you free tonight?” 

      The look on his face is priceless, “O-oh, well yeah, I… I should be, yeah. What about Eunhee?” 

      “Sooyeon loves watching her.” 

      “Well okay then… uhh.. where to?” 

      “I’ll text you. Can you give me your number?” Soojung hands him her phone, and suddenly she feels like she’s the upperhand of this conversation. It makes her squirm. 

      Jongin finishes typing up his number and Soojung could only smile at him before making her way back to her daughter.

      “Mommy’s going to leave now, okay? Be a good girl and tell me all about your day when I pick you up later.” She kisses Eunhee’s forehead as her daughter nods with a smile. 

      “Eomma, why don’t you make Teacher Jongin your boyfriend?” Eunhee asks as an afterthought before Soojung walks out of the door. Her daughter’s voice is loud enough for the entire room to hear - including Jongin. 

      Soojung only laughs before exiting the room. 

      On her way to the car, she sends a quick text to Taemin:  _ guess I’m meeting Jongin later. pray for me, most chaotic idol.  _

      Instantly, Taemin replies:  _ i don’t have anything to do today, i’m coming over. lit rally heading towards your house right now. thank god i have my key.  _

      She arrives back home to see Taemin already lounging on her couch like it’s  _ his  _ couch and he’s not just her best friend mooching off her apartment most of the time. He’s munching on the chips she just bought a few days ago when Eunhee convinced her to go on a sudden grocery shopping day, and his feet is on Soojung’s coffee table. He’s watching Descendants of the Sun from her own Netflix account (he never really had his, he’s always used hers, and she allows him to because she doesn’t really use much of her Netflix account anymore), and he looks like he’s totally not out of place in an apartment that does not even house him at all. 

      The couch feels like freedom from all the job she has to do back at Sooyeon’s company, and the pressure of needing to talk to Jongin. What’s more comforting than the couch though, is her best friend’s welcoming presence beside her. He doesn’t wear an expectant look on his face like Sooyeon, nor does he take her back through seven years of heartbreak. Both of those are exactly what Soojung needs at the moment. 

      “You know, sometimes I regret giving you a key to the house.” She doesn’t, but she kind of does at the same time. And as if it’s purely instinctual, she places her feet on Taemin’s lap. 

      “If you revoke my Casa Soojung access then you would never have a great place to rest your feet on like my lap.” The smirk on his face is so boyish and completely innocent that it takes her back years into their middle school days. 

      “That’s the purpose of the coffee table though - which you are currently hogging.” She steals the bag of chips from Taemin’s hand and pulls them away from him when he’s trying to reach for the chips. 

      Her efforts are in vain though, because he’s in all ways longer than her and his reach is far longer than hers would ever be. He gets the bag of chips without even a minute of her trying to make him struggle. It’s well worth a try though, she thinks, because at least he struggled for a second. 

      “So, are you ready to meet Jongin later?” He drops the bomb five minutes into the fourth episode of Descendants of the Sun.

      “Honestly? I don’t think so. A part of me is ready, but a part of me also wishes to suspend the whole thing and wish for him to just be… coexisting with me and Eunhee without having to meet.” It’s completely selfish, she knows that, hence the reason why she’s listening to the better part of herself who’s insisting that she should give Jongin the chance to become a father to Eunhee. 

      “You’re so selfish,” Taemin says, but not in the tone that implies annoyance or spite. It’s more of him telling her a common knowledge. 

      “I wish I didn’t have to be.” 

      “You didn’t have to be. Jongin would have taken care of Eunhee anyway even if he decides to pursue his idol dreams.” 

      The more he talks, the more Soojung doesn’t want to have this conversation anymore. She’s heard this loads of times before from Sooyeon, but Taemin doesn’t tell these things to her in a harsh tone, he’s always gentle - and it’s his gentleness that makes her want to turn away from who she is and the choices she made. 

      “Could you imagine? Raising a kid all the while you’re being an idol.” It’s as if the TV doesn’t exist anymore. Song Hye Kyo and Song Joong Ki’s voices are all just background noises to something much more bigger than the premise of their drama. 

      “You’re acting like I haven’t been around to help you take care of Eunhee ever since she was born.” There’s hurt in his eyes, and that’s when she knows that she should really stop talking. She concedes. She’s wrong, and she knows it. 

      Silence takes over the atmosphere and it creeps into her skin, making her want to scream something out in random just so the silence between her and Taemin wouldn’t be this suffocating. 

      “I’m sorry.” She finally says after a long and ugly pause. “I didn’t mean it like that, you know.” 

      “I know.” He places his head on her shoulder. She doesn’t flinch, doesn’t even feel the least bit uncomfortable. “I’m just saying, would it have been different if it was Jongin? I mean, I’m not Eunhee’s father, but I adore the kid, and I didn’t use my career as an excuse to not be around for her. It would have been the same if it was him.” 

      There’s a faraway look on Taemin’s face, like his mind is here but his heart is somewhere else, and it bothers Soojung to no end. She doesn’t ask him about it though, just turns the TV off and leans her head against his. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My main goal is to not let anyone know what ship this fic actually is. Anyways, let me know what you think OR come interact w/ me in twitter. 
> 
> twitter: @astrosoulls


	4. unpacking one's baggage

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Surprisingly enough, pushing the door open doesn’t seem heavy at all to her. She doesn’t know if she’s overexaggerating the way she feels a while ago, or if she’s completely ready to tell Jongin the truth and deal with the aftermath of things instead of running away. Trying to understand herself in the moment feels like rocket surgery, but she takes the leap of faith anyway without bothering to understand her feelings further.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> anyways i guess this is kind of the anticipated chapter? i'm not sure really. but for me, writing this is kind of... heavy in a good way and liberating from all the school works i'm basically buried in. i hope you all like it. 
> 
> let me know what you think over here at [curiouscat](http://curiouscat.me/ezradnielle)

**SOOJUNG DOESN’T TREMBLE.** She feels nervous every once in a while, yes, but she has never trembled before in her life. Even when she found out that she’s pregnant with Eunhee, she never trembled, just cried herself to sleep and decided that she needs to toughen up. Tonight, though, is history in the making as she finds her hands shaking just outside the cafe she told Jongin to go to. The weight of the doorknob suddenly feels so heavy even without touching, the window peeking into the cafe turns opaque in her eyes, and the sun – though it’s about set anyway – feels like it didn’t rise in ages. 

If she’s going to turn around, now would be the time while she’s not yet in front of her ex-boyfriend – who’s also her baby daddy (but he doesn’t even know it). Turning around would only take just one three swift movements: step back, turn around, and walk away. She could have done it now if she doesn’t feel the least bit glued to the place, and even more guilty for keeping a secret from Jongin through all those years. 

Surprisingly enough, pushing the door open doesn’t seem heavy at all to her. She doesn’t know if she’s overexaggerating the way she feels a while ago, or if she’s completely ready to tell Jongin the truth and deal with the aftermath of things instead of running away. Trying to understand herself in the moment feels like rocket surgery, but she takes the leap of faith anyway without bothering to understand her feelings further.  

Jongin looks anxious. It’s the first thing Soojung sees on his face, and the next thing she knows, he’s covering it all up with a smile. She knows him though – knows him well enough to see that he feels just as anxious as he was before she arrived, if not more. 

“Hey you,” Her greeting is safe, completely free of any indication that she’s about to drop a huge bomb on him.

“Soojung,” She couldn’t help but to see the smile on his face that he used to give her back in high school, and maybe it fixes her heart for a moment until she remembers that she’s about to break his. 

“I’ve heard about your injury,” Soojung begins, though she supposes that it’s not the best starter to a conversation with an ex she hasn’t seen in years. 

His face doesn’t fall, he just sighs and answers her like talking about a life-changing injury is nothing at all to him (or maybe he just actually has his shit together unlike Soojung). “There’s not much I can do about it, really. It kind of just happened and there’s nothing else I could do but to cope with it. I’m fine, though. I like teaching little kids, they kind of make me feel at ease and less stressed about what could have beens.” 

Soojung has never suffocated, never attempted to suffocate herself in any form as well, but tonight feels extremely suffocating and heavy as it goes on. Hearing Jongin talk about his life and how he patched things up after that injury makes her feel like a monster just because she selfishly kept Eunhee from him for years. 

She doesn’t know how she’s going to break it to him. Will she just drop the bomb all of the sudden? Is she going to do it slowly until it just dawns on him that he is a father? Or is she going to walk away and pretend that Eunhee is not his and keep the secret with her to the grave? Soojung doesn’t know, and she feels like she’s floating, dizzy and weightless in a completely horrible way. 

“What about you? How have you been? It’s been so long since we last talked.” There’s an uncomfortable sense that leaves things hanging in his words. She knows that he’s thinking about Soojung’s abrupt disappearance from the world. Her sudden invisibility from social media, the switch in phone numbers, and moving from Sooyeon’s place back to her parents all the way to the countryside. 

There’s a guilt-festival happening at the pit of her stomach and Soojung is not happy about it. 

“It’s been alright. Just keeping me and Eunhee okay and afloat, nothing new.” The awkward laugh that rises from her throat is so very obvious and she feels herself going into the deep hole of panic inside her head that she doesn’t notice two mugs being placed in front of her and Jongin. 

“I ordered for you, by the way.” Jongin smiles at her, and it surprises her a bit that his smile can still take her away from her worries even for just a single moment. “I hope it’s still your favorite.” He slides the mug in front of her and she inhales. It astounds her further that he still remembers her favorite coffee order after all these years. 

“How…?” She couldn’t even complete her sentence because she’s not sure herself if she wants to hear it, or not. After all, hearing it would make her succumb to years and years of missing him. 

Jongin only shrugs and gives her a sheepish smile. “I guess that’s what happens when you kind of leave a lasting impression on a person.” 

Deciphering the meaning of his message is quite a hard feat for Soojung. The smile on his face is completely void of anything that resembles bad blood or anger, which leaves Soojung even more confused than she had been. 

It leaves her thinking if Jongin really had not changed throughout the years. 

“What exactly do you mean by that?” She asks, because Soojung couldn’t bear thinking about things that would inevitably bother her for the rest of time. 

Jongin laughs and it’s still one of the best sounds she’d ever heard. “Don’t think too much about it, Jung. It just means I loved you that much.” 

If words are living things (though Soojung likes to think they are because they hurt more than inanimate objects), then maybe all of the words residing inside her are currently running away in fear of realizing all the could have beens. She finds herself staring at Jongin, dumbfounded at what he just said. He’s never been gentle in such a public place like this, nor had he been straightforward like this. He’d only been gentle with her during their most intimate moments, and he’d only been really straightforward when everything’s turned into a more serious note. 

_ I loved you that much too,  _ Soojung wants to say, but she keeps her mouth shut in fear of opening already closed wounds. “That’s not what I expected from you.” She just laughs it off instead. 

“So, why’d you decide to meet me after all these years?” His chin is on his hand and Soojung notices that he’s moved a few inches towards her which makes her want to put up all her walls. 

Not today, though. Definitely not today. She has to be open, completely open. 

“Jongin, there’s something I have to tell you.” She begins it like this because there’s no other way (in her head) where she could drop the bomb on him gently other than this. Soojung has never been to battle before — just a few screaming matches with other girls from her high school where Taemin and Jongin both have to physically take her away from them — but right now feels like she’s going to face a hundred soldiers all by herself. 

“I guess by telling you this, I’d have to take us back through years and years of history but that’s the best way to start this whole thing.” She inhales deeply, bracing herself before everything goes completely downhill. “Remember when we broke up? Well, not really a break up because I just… ghosted you and never talked to you again.” 

“Yeah I remember that clearly. One night we were being us in front of your house and the next day you disappeared completely. I asked Taemin if he knew where you are but he wouldn’t say anything, just kept on telling me he doesn’t know even though I know that he knows. I followed your sister around like a lost puppy, asking where can I find you but she told me she doesn’t know where you are either.” Jongin exhales like he’s been wanting to tell her all of this for so long. “That’s when I figured that maybe you didn’t want to see me anymore because I know you and I know that you can never keep a secret from Sooyeon or Taemin.”

 

**AMONG TAEMIN AND SOOYEON, IT’S SOOJUNG’S BEST FRIEND WHO FINDS OUT FIRST INSTEAD OF HER SISTER.** It’s the time when Taemin insisted that he sleep over at Sooyeon’s place after being forcefully evicted by his members in their dorm room for not cleaning. Soojung decides to make him sleep on the couch instead of the floor on her bedroom where he usually sleeps whenever he’s over. 

“Okay but what’s wrong with me sleeping in your bedroom? I’ve done it a thousand times and I’ve even slept on the floor of your bedroom with Jongin around.” Taemin sounds like a little kid whose candy had been taken away. 

Pregnancy means mood swings and uncontrollable food cravings. At that point in time, Soojung is already pregnant for a month and a half, but she’s still hiding. The moment Taemin started complaining, anger already boiled up and before she realizes it, she’d already started yelling at Taemin. 

Taemin looks like a puppy that got yelled at, but Soojung didn’t quite apologize, nor did she care until she wanted some fishcakes. She’s not sure if Taemin noticed, but her mood quickly changed the moment she started to crave. It takes her about twenty minutes of begging before Taemin finally agreed to accompany her to the nearest food stall just to buy her fishcakes. 

“You still never told me why you wouldn’t let me sleep in your room,” Taemin says through a mouthful of fishcakes. 

“Because I don’t want to okay.” She doesn’t snap, but the look on her face is a cross between her resting bitch face and a glare.  “Just… stop pestering me about it.” 

He didn’t ask her anymore, and Soojung avoided all possibilities of him finding the single stick of pregnancy test that she left on her nightstand — just to make sure that she doesn’t forget what’s happening. 

They return to Sooyeon’s apartment (Sooyeon’s still not around, and Soojung doesn’t know why) with a bunch of fishcakes in a plastic bag. 

Soojung makes Taemin watch a horror film with her and she doesn’t flinch, doesn’t even scream at one of the scariest parts which, she reckons, made Taemin wonder if she’s even being herself at all. She’s always screamed at every horror film, always held on to his arm whenever they’re watching something of the like, and always hid behind him whenever things get a little too much. 

Still, Taemin doesn’t prod. She’s never really thanked him for that. 

Several fishcakes had been consumed before morning and Soojung and Taemin are both asleep in front of the television with a rom-com playing as white noise. It’s quite peaceful. The morning light shines through the panels of Sooyeon’s apartment while Soojung and Taemin are both huddled up against each other (it’s because Soojung forgot to turn the heater on). It looks like a scene taken directly from one of those cheesy teen romance movies Soojung used to like when she’d been in sixth grade. 

Morning sickness inevitably catches up to Soojung as she rushes to the bathroom and throws up all of last night’s snacks and dinner. It’s the law of the land to have Taemin wherever Soojung is, and this morning is not an exception to that. Before Soojung could even realize it, Taemin’s already holding up her hair and rubbing circles against her shoulder with his thumb.

“Are you okay, Soojungie?” His voice is lower and huskier than usual. Soojung would have teased him about sounding like he has tonsilitis, if it weren’t for the fact that she already managed to lose all of her dinner and all the fishcakes they bought. 

There’s no energy anywhere for Soojung to take from. She feels all of herself drained and completely irrelevant while struggling completely. The pregnancy, despite her decision to keep the baby, is already taking its toll on her. Instead of answering Taemin with actual words, she just shook her head. 

“You want to tell me what happened?” His gentleness doesn’t faze her anymore, but it does scare her that she’s inches away from actually telling someone that she’s pregnant. 

The bathroom wall is cold and so is the floor, yet Soojung feels so numb. She doesn’t know if pregnant women are allowed to sit on cold surfaces, so she just makes a mental note to google it later and apologizes to her baby in advance. Even then, she still doesn’t feel a thing. She doesn’t feel the grossness that sticks after every time she throws up, and she doesn’t feel scratchy feeling in her throat. There’s simply nothing. 

Soojung chalks it up to mood swings, despite knowing full well that it’s not. 

“You ready to raise a child with me?” It’s a badly-delivered joke, Soojung knows that, but she doesn’t really know how else to break it to Taemin other than this… completely shitty joke. 

His eyes widen and Soojung catches him almost stepping back, but he stays and approaches her instead. “You’re pregnant with Jongin’s kid, are you?” 

It’s the first time Taemin has seen Soojung cry in years. 

 

**“I’M SORRY,”** There really is a lack of words to say. Soojung doesn’t know what to tell him other than to apologize for dropping off the face of the Earth when she really shouldn’t have. “There’s just too much happening that I couldn’t… I couldn’t involve you in that, not without ruining your dreams.” 

He looks at her, confused. Guilt already eats Soojung up like she’s a piece of forgotten crumb on the floor, being dominated by hungry ants. 

“Jongin I…” She couldn’t breathe, she doesn’t know if it’s her chest acting up or if it’s her head telling her that she deserves this punishment for not being a good girlfriend to him in the past. “It’s Eunhee.” She breathes out. 

There’s silence, and she looks at Jongin’s face and it looks like he’s still confused. 

“Jongin, you’re Eunhee’s dad.” It feels like the constriction on her throat had disappeared, yet there’s a huge weight added to her chest. 

He looks like the world had fallen on his shoulders and that all the years of grief that Soojung went through is now catching up to him instantaneously. 

“And you didn’t even care to tell me?” His voice is small, so small that she feels so horrible. 

Tears stream down Soojung’s face the moment she decides to answer his question, “I’m sorry. I just didn’t want you to stop chasing after your dreams, or feel like we fucked up while you’re already so close to doing what you’re meant to do.” 

“You didn’t think I can do both?” His words hurt, just as they should. 

“I’m sorry. I was thinking that maybe having me out of your life with our child would be better for  _ your  _ career. I can’t imagine what would happen if the media had gotten hold of a secret family you have. It would have ruined you,  _ and  _ Eunhee.” 

“So you’re saying you don’t trust me well enough to keep it a secret?” 

“I’m just saying that it would be hard raising a child who can’t even call her dad in public without raising suspicions.” 

There's a heavy silence in the air and Soojung is holding back sobs in order to not attract attention. Jongin’s staring into empty space, like his thoughts kidnapped him and forced him to stay there, to reflect heavily on what’s been said. There’s a huge weight of responsibility that falls over Soojung’s shoulders because after this implies that she actually tells Eunhee that her father is Jongin, and she has to bridge the two together. 

It’s time she has to repent for what she’s done. 

“I’ll… I’ll drive you home.” Jongin tells her, and he walks out of the coffee shop with Soojung following closely behind. 


	5. messages

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Truth be told, Soojung has had multiple experiences with painful messages from Jongin that she doesn’t want to relive. Judging by the way things are going now, though, she’d rather have those painful messages than deal with the situation at hand now. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> apologies if this is short. this is still significant and not quite a filler chapter. uni has been quite rude to me lately and i've been forced to put this fic at the bottom section of my priority list. i only get so much creativity that it can only last my current film projects, but i'm not going to abandon this project altogether. the updates are just going to be a little slower than the usual.

**IT’S TAEMIN WHO DROPS EUNHEE OFF TO DANCE PRACTICE THE NEXT DAY,** all because Soojung couldn’t bear to see Jongin’s face after the heart-wrenching meeting they had last night. She’s curious about what he feels, or what he thinks about her and Eunhee now, but she doesn’t want to know all about it at the same time. Knowing whatever Jongin thinks of them would only break Soojung’s heart, as much as she wants to deny that she has one that bears the weight of things far too much for her own good. 

Work today seems to be incredibly slow and every second that she’s waiting for Sooyeon to allow her to be off work makes her even more anxious. It’s been years since Soojung got off her anxiety medicine, but today feels so painful in her chest that she feels like she’s about to reach for her hidden container of anxiety medicine inside her drawer. The only thing stopping her from reaching for it entirely is the thought of being able to go home if her sister sees her suffering a lot. 

Sooyeon, though, seems to be quite numb today as she hasn’t made any signs of recognition towards Soojung’s current situation which only leaves Soojung dazed and out of focus throughout the entire time she’s been at work. Her phone is off for the entire day and the only way she knows that Taemin has picked Eunhee up from school is through his messages in her work email. It’s embarrassing, really, that she chooses to turn her phone off in favor of her work email but she has no choice. Turning her phone on would only increase her anxiety, in case Jongin somehow finds out her number and decides to text her something painful. 

Truth be told, Soojung has had multiple experiences with painful messages from Jongin that she doesn’t want to relive. Judging by the way things are going now, though, she’d rather have those painful messages than deal with the situation at hand now. 

 

\

 

**BEING SIXTEEN AND PRETENDING TO KNOW EVERYTHING** is something Soojung is used to. When Jongin disappears for a week in order to dance at some overseas program for the company, Soojung knows that it’s important for his career, hence the reason why she’s not trying to leave overbearing messages to him the whole time. However, at exactly ten in the morning while Soojung is sitting through the most boring calculus class, Jongin texts her. 

 

[ **from: jongin** ] i can’t believe you only ever texted me thrice this whole week. 

[  **from: jongin** ] u really don’t care shit when you know i’m anxious as hell over this

The feeling of her hands shaking is something Soojung is not used to, at least, in public. She’d done this before in the privacy of her bedroom, with the thought of her insecurities and the expectations of her family projected upon her. But she’s never done this before in public, where everyone could see. 

She slips through the back door of the classroom with very little trouble. Her professor is still droning on about parabolas and its general form while she slips out with only thoughts about Jongin’s text. 

 

[  **from: soojung** ] jongin, i’m so sorry. 

[  **from: soojung** ] i just thought… you’d need more time to focus by yourself. 

[  **from: soojung** ] i didn’t want to become a distraction. 

 

Her breaths echo inside the restroom stall,  _ in and out, in and out, in and out  _ while she anxiously waits for her boyfriend’s reply.

If she knew that it’s what Jongin would have wanted, she would have texted him every single time she misses him. She would have reached for the phone every single time something reminds her of Jongin, yet she finds herself holding back. In fear that she would do more harm than good.

Little does he know that there is so much more she wants to tell him. She wants to tell him about the little kitten she feeds outside the main building of their room. She wants to tell him about Sooyeon’s boyfriend and how her family was caught off guard by the sudden news of their eldest daughter dating. She also wants to tell him that she’s considering becoming a trainee. 

But she doesn’t. She just stays still, unmoving, thinking that maybe her constant presence in Jongin’s life is more of a distraction than a source of inspiration. 

[  **from: jongin** ] you could never be a distraction soojung. 

[  **from: jongin** ] i’m sorry i got mad. 

[  **from: jongin** ] i’ll call you later, ok? 

[  **from: soojung** ] okay

[  **from: soojung** ] take care

 

Everything is supposed to be okay, but there’s this lingering feeling of hurt in Soojung’s chest that she finds herself sobbing in the restroom. All she ever did was to care, but why does it seem like it’s not translating? 

 

\

 

**THE PREVIOUS YEARS HAD PROVEN THAT SOOJUNG** knows how to deal with pain. It’s been a constant during the times where she had to endure raising Eunhee all alone while being a college student. However, those years did not prime her for the possibility of seeing Jongin again and having to explain everything while going through a second hand experience of what she’d done. Soojung thinks it’s almost the same to exposure therapy, but this one is far more painful. 

“You’re awfully quiet today.” Taemin says out of the blue. His voice takes her out of her mind and back into reality. 

Reality is Eunhee playing with the Just Dance on her Xbox; Taemin with his feet up on her coffee table; Sooyeon’s silent treatment that happened just before she went back home; and the impending event of Soojung breaking the news to Eunheee. It’s not inside her head. Not her past filled with  _ what could have beens,  _ and  _ should have beens,  _ and what she felt for Jongin. Most especially not what Jongin made her feel, and not the way she feels like she wants all of it again. 

“I’m sorry. It’s just… things have been too much for me to think about lately.” She smiles apologetically. Usually, Soojung would only give Taemin some kind of sarcastic reply and proceed on with whatever it is that she’d been doing. The fact that she actually apologized to Taemin says something else. 

“Well you know if you don’t want them to be too much, you could share them with anyone else. You know damn well I’m here for you.” There’s a smile on Taemin’s face that’s so oddly comforting. 

Soojung silently thanks him for being there with a smile. 

“I just… don’t know how to tell her.” She looks at Eunhee, and returns her gaze back to Taemin. “It’s just so hard. How could I just casually tell her that her… father is her dance teacher without her asking me too much? Or breaking her trust?” 

“I couldn’t tell you how she’ll feel because my guess is just as good as yours, but just… trust in the process, okay? I’m sure that she’ll still love you.” He says as he places one hand on her shoulder. 

There’s reluctance in her wanting to believe Taemin. Soojung doesn’t know what the workings of a seven-year-old girl’s brain are, but she’s hoping to whichever deity is up there that Eunhee will still love her even after finding out the lie that Soojung has been managing for years. 

She brings out her phone and her mind flashes back to the numerous times wherein she’d text Jongin. All of those times includes butterflies in her stomach, except she doesn’t know if the butterflies in her stomach this time are a result of her being nervous, or if she has any semblance of feelings left for Kim Jongin. 

Soojung is almost fully certain that it’s the first one, mostly because she thinks that all of her feelings for Jongin have died down during the past seven years. Also, she thinks that all of those feelings have been replaced by her need to be with Eunhee all the time. 

It’s hard though, to keep track of one’s feelings when she’s busy keeping track of not only her life, but also her daughter’s. 

[ **to: jongin** ] i think  
[ **to: jongin** ] it’s time for you to meet her as your daughter   
[ **to: jongin** ] i mean, you’ve already met her   
[ **to: jongin** ] but like… as a student   
[ **to: jongin** ] this is like a different thing


	6. breathe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What guilts her the most though, is the smile on Eunhee’s face. She’s this happy spending time with Jongin, like it’s bound by the universe, and Soojung took it away from Eunhee. She took away Eunhee’s chance to have a father, to have a normal functioning family (assuming they wouldn’t break up anyway) with a mother and a father like the rest of her friends. Not just a single mother who always gets subtle digs from middle-aged mothers from Eunhee’s school about being a single mother.

**“SOOJUNG YOU NEED TO STOP FIDGETING,”** Taemin says from the passenger seat of her car. She’s driving towards the dance studio to pick Eunhee up, and the only reason why Taemin came along is due to his insistence to have her drop him off at the company building. 

Oddly enough, the company building is actually just three streets away from the dance studio. It’s something Soojung had only noticed just now. If the studio is that close to the main building, then does it mean that there’s a bit of Jongin that wants to stay attached to his old life? Or maybe it’s something that’s just pure coincidence? 

She shouldn’t be thinking of thoughts like this, especially not when everything is not going the way she wanted it to go. She’s supposed to be living with Eunhee peacefully while she continuously fills up her sister’s pockets using her service, and Taemin to be an occasional annoyance in her life. 

It’s not supposed to be like this exact scenario where Soojung had been fidgeting while driving to the point where she accidentally stepped too hard on the accelerator.

“How can I stop fidgeting when I’m about to tell my daughter that her dance instructor is her  _ father _ ?” Her voice raises, and her foot is pressing down a bit harder on the accelerator. 

“Jesus Christ, Soojung! Stop freaking out! Do you want to kill us both before you actually get to do anything proper in your life?” Taemin is already half-yelling at her, but the fast beating of her heart doesn’t really stop. 

“What if she hates me and wants to live with Jongin forever and  _ then  _ hide from me? I can’t lose my daughter like that!” 

“Nobody said you’re going to lose her Soojung! Stop this car right now!” It’s only when Taemin actually yells loudly that she realizes how fast they’re going. 

“I’m sorry.” She breathes out, her hands grip the steering wheel tighter, but she makes a conscious effort to maintain a proper speed for law-abiding purposes. 

“I swear to God, Jung Soojung, I will never let you drive me to another place again ever. You’re going to be the death of me, literally!” His hands are flying in every direction and Soojung could only smile apologetically. 

For the next few minutes, all her efforts are concentrated towards driving and nothing more. If she got Taemin into an accident, the rest of Korea would hate her. Once Taemin had been late for a fanmeeting because Eunhee had dropped his phone in the tub and Soojung felt the wrath of his management team. 

Preventative measures are needed just so events like those wouldn’t happen again. 

“Taemin, I’m sorry… again. For almost killing us back there… and for yelling at you… and for not believing you the other day when you tried to comfort me.” She tells him right before he’s about to open the door. 

Soojung expects Taemin to open the door and leave, but he places a hand on her shoulder instead. 

“Look, you need to stop overthinking. The reason why this is happening in the first place is because you were overthinking. You didn’t give Jongin enough chance to prove himself to you, that he could be with Eunhee. If you gave him a chance, then it’s probably him you’re with almost every single day and there wouldn’t be any problem.” The atmosphere feels heavy with his response, all because all the things he said were the truth. 

“But you wouldn’t be here.” The words fly out of Soojung’s mouth so fast that she didn’t even realize she’d already said it. 

“Oh Soojung, you know I’d always be around no matter what.” He smiles before leaving her car, only ever giving her a wave as he walks toward the building. 

When Taemin finally disappears into the doors of the building, Soojung immediately rams her forehead against the steering wheel. How could she say that? Suddenly, she feels as though she should be hyper-aware of everything she’s saying, no matter how irrelevant they may seem to her. 

_ Fuck this.  _ Soojung whispers to herself before driving away to Eunhee’s dance studio, which is honestly not too far off. There’s not much time for her to prepare her speech, or whatever the hell it is that she rehearsed back in the office. She’s already late, and adding another few minutes to rehearse would only show just how awful she is at balancing everything in her life. 

Walking through the front door of the building feels like she’s doing her personal walk of shame with all these people around. She’s already twenty minutes late which means the last of Eunhee’s friends are probably gone, all picked up by their parents with a stupid happy nuclear family set up with a mother and a father. It all makes Soojung feel more despicable. 

It’s pathetic really, that she’s going to be admitting her shortcomings to her child, but it’s not like Soojung has much of a choice. At least she could admit she’s wrong, unlike some parents who would have to go to hell and back before they admit that they’re actually wrong with some of their life decisions. 

All she knows is that she’s doing her best, and she’s hoping that all of it is enough. 

Just as she expected, it’s Eunhee and Jongin left alone in the studio. They’re playing rock paper scissors, and she came in just when Jongin lost. It looks so normal, like he’s always been a part of Eunhee’s life and not just a recent addition despite him being the father. 

What guilts her the most though, is the smile on Eunhee’s face. She’s this happy spending time with Jongin, like it’s bound by the universe, and Soojung took it away from Eunhee. She took away Eunhee’s chance to have a father, to have a normal functioning family (assuming they wouldn’t break up anyway) with a mother and a father like the rest of her friends. Not just a single mother who always gets subtle digs from middle-aged mothers from Eunhee’s school about being a single mother. 

None of this would have happened if Soojung wasn’t a coward. If she didn’t run away at the first sign of change. Taemin’s words echo inside her head, and she’s feeling all sense of guilt building up in her system right now. 

As she’s approaching Jongin and Eunhee, she’s trying her best not to cry, or throw up. Everything feels so heavy, like it’s all constricting around her. Her lungs feel like they’re about to give out, like there’s no semblance of air around her. 

“Oh look, it’s your mom.” Jongin is the first to notice her presence in the middle of the room. 

All she could do is smile at Jongin and Eunhee like her world is not about to fall apart in a matter of seconds. 

But if she could not do it now, she could delay it. Tell Jongin in a place that feels more comfortable, and maybe familiar for the both of them. 

 

\

 

**HER ROOM IN SOOYEON’S APARTMENT IS STILL THE SAME.** None of the things there had been touched except for the missing pieces in the vanity, and the lack of clothes in the dresser. Only the things from her high school years are left in this old room, and maybe some of her college stuff. Soojung had been so easy to uproot herself from Sooyeon’s care after she could afford to rent an apartment for her and Eunhee. She already owes Sooyeon too much. 

But she takes Jongin here anyway because it’s where they used to spend a lot of time together. It’s where they’d watch movies until late at night - sometimes with Taemin, and the place where they eventually got together. 

It’s not exactly a trip to memory lane, but if the place held fond memories for both of them, then maybe it should be where the whole revelation happens. 

“Wouldn’t Sooyeon object to you breaking and entering her apartment?” Jongin asks, looking around the room and casually taking some of her stuff to observe it. 

“It’s not breaking and entering if we didn’t break anything. Besides, she’s on a business trip to the US right now , and I asked for permission.” She smiles halfheartedly, the lump that had gone away is rising back up in her throat again. 

“Has it really been that long, Soojung?” He finally asks her, his eyes gazing straight into hers. Soojung couldn’t remember the last time she and Jongin looked at each other this way, but the feeling is all too familiar anyway. 

“I guess.” She looks over at Eunhee who's busy with a coloring book she rediscovered. Probably something they’d left from the last time Eunhee stayed over at Sooyeon’s. 

“She looks happy,” Jongin states as he looks at Eunhee who’s currently busy poring over the pages of her rediscovered coloring book. “Do you think she’ll like me? Would she be… that happy once she finds out I’m her dad?” 

The question catches Soojung off guard. While she and Jongin are in this stage of trying to fit each other in their respective lives once more, they’ve never talked about… something like this. About Jongin and Eunhee, or if she’d like him, or if he could make her happy. It sounds like Jongin is contemplating on whether he’d be a good father or not, and Soojung feels so bad that he had to think about that all because of her stupid mistake. 

“I think she loves you already,” Soojung responds, “back at home all she could ever talk about is you and your dance classes.  Plus, she even asked me if I could make you my boyfriend, as if it didn’t already happen.” She laughs as she looks at her daughter fondly. 

“I’m scared, Soojung.” 

She sighs, “I am too, Jongin.” 

Looking at Jongin brings back years worth of memories between them, barrelling through the emotional walls she’d put up during her seven years of distancing from anyone of the past. The walls are so high up and so heavily guarded, but Jongin still manages to take them down, like nothing ever happened, like seven years didn’t pass by them. 

“I think we should tell her now.” Soojung finally speaks up, looking at Jongin with a smile to mask away all her fear. 

Jongin nods at her, and she knows that there’s no backing out now. No running away. 

“Hey Eunhee, come here. Mommy has something to tell you.” She beckons Eunhee and the child instantly follows, taking her place beside Soojung with a curious glance on her face. 

“I… I know I told you to stop asking about your dad, and how… it’s just going to be the two of us all the time but- but that’s not really the case anymore now.” She takes a deep breath, “Well you see Eunhee, Teacher Jongin is… well he’s your dad.” 

The room is silent, save for the slight hum of the airconditioning and the occasional car horns coming from the street. Eunhee is looking at Soojung and Jongin alternately, like everything is processing in the mind of the seven-year-old. 

It takes everything for Soojung not to cry. She never wanted Eunhee to find out this way, but it’s the right thing. From now on, Soojung swears she’s going to do the right thing every single time. Even if it means driving at the proper speed limit instead of inching closer towards going over. 

“You’re my dad?” Eunhee looks at Jongin, and Jongin nods his head with a smile. “I’m glad you came back, Daddy.” Eunhee slides off the bed and moves to where Jongin is, climbing up on his lap and wrapping him in a tight embrace. 

“I’ve always wanted you to be my dad.” Eunhee adds. 

The smile on both Eunhee and Jongin’s faces are enough for her to finally be able to breathe. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I mean... it's far from over so


	7. part ii

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> like i said, it's far from over.

**part ii**

_ feelings  _


	8. comfort

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It takes all of Soojung’s energy to not glare at him as he decides that laughing at her is the best way to confront Soojung’s new problem: not knowing what to do with her personal life. Now that Jongin is in the picture and he’s making sure that he makes up for all of the time that he hasn’t spent together with Eunhee, there’s enough time for Soojung to think of herself now. 

**FAMILY ARRANGEMENTS ARE HARD TO WORK OUT.** Especially for a couple that has long been broken up. Eventually though, Soojung and Jongin eventually come to the conclusion that they’d take Eunhee alternately each week. 

(Because Jongin doesn’t want to see his child only during weekends, and neither does Soojung. It’s the best alternative they’ve come up so far.)

This week, it’s Jongin’s turn to be with Eunhee. While Soojung had reservations about the arrangement in Jongin’s house, Eunhee is more than willing to cooperate. Eunhee’s enthusiasm is more than enough for Soojung to agree and let her daughter go. 

Due to the change in Eunhee’s living arrangements, Jongin decides that he’ll sleep on the couch and give his bedroom to Eunhee for the time being as he doesn’t have the time to buy himself a new mattress yet. Soojung would have insisted that she take Eunhee while he doesn’t have a new mattress yet, but she decides to just keep her mouth shut and stop depriving Jongin of time with his daughter. 

The aforementioned events are what led Soojung to hanging out in Taemin’s apartment right after work. 

“You are pathetic, Soojung.” Taemin laughs as he bounces a stress ball from the wall back to his hands. 

It takes all of Soojung’s energy to not glare at him as he decides that laughing at her is the best way to confront Soojung’s new problem: not knowing what to do with her personal life. Now that Jongin is in the picture and he’s making sure that he makes up for all of the time that he hasn’t spent together with Eunhee, there’s enough time for Soojung to think of herself now. 

So far, it’s not really going too well. Had Taemin not been around the company, Soojung would have tried to pick up Eunhee from dance class only to realize that it’s a Jongin day for the child. For Soojung, everything is a clockwork routine that does not really change at all. It takes an arrival from Jongin for her to realize that routines can be changed. 

“Seriously, there are so many people who would kill to be your friend but—” Taemin’s phone rings while he’s in the middle of his speech. He brings out his ringing phone only to decline the call seconds after reading the caller ID. “going back… well a lot of people would want to be your friend but you don’t want to make friends with  _ anyone  _ else!” 

“Shut up. Also, who was that? Why didn’t you take it?” She doesn’t really have a reason to ask other than the fact that she’s just incredibly nosy. 

“Seulgi. She’s been bothering me non-stop about this new film that she wants to go see. I’m not in the mood for it, though.” He shrugs, like being asked by the one and only Kang Seulgi is not a big deal at all to him. 

Soojung throws a crumpled piece of paper at the back of his head.  “You idiot! She’s probably asking you out and you go ahead and decline her calls like that?” 

“Seulgi and I are just  _ friends _ ,” the amount of emphasis on the word ‘friends’ makes Soojung flinch, “so that means I’m not obligated to answer all of her calls, nor go out with her when she asks me to.” 

There’s no reason for Soojung not to believe him. She’s known Taemin for years and she knows it by heart when he’s serious about something. What baffles her though is how desperate he sounds as he tells her that he and Seulgi are just friends. She wouldn’t hold it against him if they weren’t, nor would she actually mind. 

“Alright, weirdo. You didn’t have to deny it so bad, I might start to think that you’re actually going on a date with her if you tried harder.” She says, mostly just to spite Taemin but then again he’s gone awfully quiet now. It’s almost like Soojung is not inside the house. 

The way Taemin thinks is not something Soojung has memorized over the years. He’s unpredictable, and sometimes there are things that he bottles up to himself - sparing Soojung from the privilege of knowing what he’s thinking about. It annoys her, and maybe makes her feel a bit stupid that she would always let Taemin in, allowing him to know what she’s feeling or just how bad it’s affecting her. Meanwhile, he doesn’t tell her shit. 

_ Unfair,  _ she thinks. Because there’s absolutely no way that this friendship has worked throughout all those years with only Soojung sharing with him the actual raw parts of herself. Sure there are times when Taemin would open up about his insecurities, but she could count those in one hand. 

But because Soojung is not the type to hold anything against a person, she doesn’t mention anything to Taemin. It must be hard for him, anyway. If it takes Soojung days and days of overthinking before she actually tells him anything, then it must be harder for him. After all, Taemin and her share the same habits. An effect of spending years and years of being friends with each other. 

“You could tell me things you know.” Soojung speaks up after a while because the silence is killing her and she’s not used to spending her time with Taemin in absolute silence. 

“Even if they’re the things that makes you feel… bad, or ugly. I’m your friend, Taemin, and I’ll always be here to listen to anything you want me to know.” She adds, keeping her gaze on Taemin and knowing that he’s listening. 

Soon enough, he turns to face her. “I know, Jungie.” 

He approaches her with a small smile on his face, and it doesn’t faze Soojung at all when he wraps his arms around her. 

There are only a few luxuries of life that she could have for free, and one of those is being on the receiving end of Lee Taemin’s embraces. It takes Soojung back to all the years she’d gone through with a weak mind and an even weaker heart. Throughout all those years, there’s Taemin. 

“Now tell me what’s wrong.” Soojung tries to prod him by making her voice extra convincing. The kind of voice she used before on Sooyeon during the time where her older sister decided to shut herself inside the office for an entire day. 

“Change. That’s what’s wrong.” 

She waits for a few more seconds to listen to any afterthoughts, but sadly none came. All she could feel is the steady beating of Taemin’s heart against her chest, and the rise and fall of his breathing. 

“I know it’s hard, but sometimes we just have to push through it.” She runs her fingers through his hair until he pulls away. Soojung could only give him an encouraging smile, in fear that anything she could say would affect him differently than how she intended. 

“Changes that involve just me are easy to push through, but everything’s changing around me and suddenly I feel like I’m pushed back into a corner.” He breathes out his last few words, looking at the ground as he distances himself from Soojung. 

Soojung had been so engrossed in her own life and her issues with change that she’d forgotten how to be a good friend to Taemin. Tears form in her eyes, but Soojung forces them to stop. She can’t cry right now, can’t take this moment away from Taemin because she is not the selfish teenager she once was. 

It’s only now that Soojung notices just how much he’d moved away from her. As if she’s on autopilot, she closes the remaining distance between her and Taemin. This time, it’s her who hugs him first. Her arms circling around him, making sure his head falls on her shoulder. 

This is normal. Soojung thinks. He’s been beside her for as long as she could remember, and there had been no reservations when it comes to Taemin. Despite the sheer amount of people complaining about their skinship, it’s never been an issue for both of them. Touch is comfort in their own little way. A gentle nudge of the elbow, a small poke at the side, a short hug, or a slight squeeze of the hand. To Soojung and Taemin, it’s nothing out of the ordinary. They’ve been friends for as long as she could remember, they already have their own language between the two of them that’s ingrained within the depths of their brain. 

Just as Soojung had expected, Taemin returns the hug, burying his face into her neck. 

“Look, I have no idea about what you’re going through or the magnitude of it all, but I can promise you that I’ll be here with you. Just like how you’ve been there for me throughout everything.” She tells him as she listens to his breathing. 

Maybe finding a personal hobby of her own, or what to do with her time without Eunhee isn’t the biggest agenda of the day anymore. 

Or maybe it is. Now that Soojung and Jongin have finally worked out the current situation at hand, then maybe she’ll already have enough time in her hands to actually work out her relationships with other people. Become a better friend, or a sister, or a daughter. 

While she didn’t exactly burn bridges with anyone, she does a bad job at maintaining relationships. The only reason why she’s gotten this far along her friendship with Taemin is because he’s the one who comes into her house every time he can to annoy the hell out of her. If he didn’t, Soojung assumes that their friendship would be on the verge of crumbling down. 

As for the rest of her friends, their messages are all either left on read, or unread at all. 

A few more seconds pass by before Taemin pulls away again and smiles. Finally, Soojung feels relief flood through her system. 

“Thanks, Jungie.” 

“You’re welcome.” 

“But we still need to find you a hobby…” 

She throws a pillow straight to Taemin’s face. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thoughts on the chapter? please do tell as your comments make me want to update more and they keep me inspired.


End file.
